i'm in a weird-ish mood.
i talked to beth tonight, which is what i think put me in a weird mood... it's so hard to talk to people from camp, espically the CILTS, well, now counselors. i mean... ever since i left camp, they don't talk to me anymore. only beth and emily, really. i feel shunned, almost, for not passing cilt... and it really sucks. because, i really thought these girls were gonna be my life long friends, and it's like "sorry, you're a camper so we can't talk to you." =[ and it really, really hurts.
a lot of the current cilts keep asking me if i'm going to do cilt 2 over again... and it's hard to tell them no. though it's the truth, its hard for me to accpet that. i'm not going back to camp next year. i'm not sure if i will ever go again. right now, it's just not what God has planned for me... i don' t get why, but i'll hopefully see that eventually...
to be honest, i dread looking at the camp website or looking at people's photos from camp... it's like 'hey, there's the place i grew up... the place i loved more than anything else... the place that told me that who i was wasn't good enough for them.' i wasn't even mailed the fall newsletter or anything. i found out about willow being engaged through a facebook comment made on lydia's profile. willow won't even respond to my emails.
really, i do not know why i didn't pass cilt. i was told so many different things and people told my parent's different things that i don't know what is the truth. i was told i was too much of a "happy" Christian- that i saw too many possitives and didn't know how to accept negatives... i'm not going to get into how i feel about that because i could go on for hours. i was also told that i just "wasn't ready" and that doing cilt 3 would not be enough time, even though they told me i was the "perfect person to be a counselor" i was still not ready. willow told my mom i was the youngest person to ever to cilt... that's a lie, there were girls in our cilt class younger than me.
there is so much more i want to say... but i just can't put in words how i feel.
i have yet to email any of the cilts about this... i don't know how they would respond.
so... i guess all there is left to do is just say goodbye to camp...
but, i just don't want to...